Kindness: The Gift You Pay Forward

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If you ask a random sampling of people what their best/favorite gift they ever received was, each will give you an answer unique to what is important to them. I love asking this question to kids, as the answers will make you smile and sometimes cry.

My best gift ever would be a toss up between two gifts- but if I had to pick just one, it would be one that was given about 15 years ago.

I was a single mom of two young sons, and had been laid off from my job, on my birthday, a few days after we returned from the Thanksgiving break.  Rent was due, Christmas was coming, I had no job and no one was hiring. No one as a parent wants to disappoint their kids, especially at this special time of year, and I felt overwhelmed and ill-equipped to handle Life as it was at that moment. Even though my sons did not believe in Santa anymore, they still enjoyed the holiday and getting gifts.  I struggled enough while I was working and had no idea how I was going to manage this while I was unemployed.

My neighbors, friends and even former co-workers were empathetic & helpful and would contact me about possible job openings and watch my sons if I needed while I went on interviews, but as each day went by, I felt myself become more and more stressed and discouraged.

One evening, about a week before Christmas, after a day of job hunting, the boys and I came home, carrying in a few groceries up the long stairway to the second floor, when I noticed a light on at the end of  the long hallway we called our apartment. I was very careful about turning off/unplugging lights and electronics, as I had to be frugal with electric use. I walked down the hall to investigate and into the living room fully expecting to see the floor lamp on.  I was stunned at what I saw instead.

There, in front of me was a live Christmas tree, set up, lit up, and fully decorated, complete with wrapped packages under it for the boys. Stockings were carefully hung (and filled) on the window sill and there was a card that read "Merry Christmas from Santa's Elves". Of course, I cried my eyes out. My boys re-discovered the magic of "Santa Clause" as they looked at each package to see who it was for. They assumed I has set this up for them and when I told them I did not, they were both very touched as I was.

I never did find out exactly who masterminded this or how although I do have an idea. No one had a key to my apartment, however, the door was not very secure and could easily be opened with a butter knife by anyone determined enough. Whoever it was, I can never thank them enough.

I hope that "Santa's Elves" realize how much their kindness affected me and my sons in a positive way that year and for years afterwards. To this day I can't re-tell this story without getting teary eyed and emotional. I did find new employment and moved forward, but that small act of kindness and thoughtfulness in the midst of transition and uncertainty helped me find my gratitude, and restored my temporary loss of faith in human nature as well as myself. It helped remind me that the best gifts really don't come in packages, and don't have a price tag. In the spirit of "Santa's Elves" and the kindness they showed us that year  I have paid this act forward many times, with the help of my sons as they grew up, and now my daughter, (who is the same age as my sons were  that year), gets to be a part of the tradition too.

Compassion and Kindness are  important Life Lessons to teach our children (and students) & is one way for us to keep perspective no matter what is thrown at us, what time of year it is, or which holiday we celebrate.

In the midst of all the adults stressing over holiday logistics, and family and what to buy and going into debt over gift-giving; and still others stressing over unemployment, heating bills, and putting food on the table, we can all be reminded that simple acts of thoughtfulness, kindness,compassion, empathy, friendship, togetherness, respect, tolerance & acceptance-(all are different forms of love) will never put you in debt because they don't cost a thing.

While its a beautiful thing to unwrap a gift box of something that has been carefully selected especially for us, those intangible gifts are also perfectly acceptable to give, and receive, at holidays or any other time. Kindness is always the right size & never goes out of style. It has a lifetime guarantee of a long-lasting positive effect on the recipient, (even if he/she is one of those people who can't/won't show it on the outside.)

Best of all, if you do decide to 're-gift', no one will ever fell slighted nor insulted; in fact re-giftinig is encouraged!

Wishing you and yours a Healthy, Happy & Abundant Holiday Season!

~Barbara



*Tell Us:  What is your most memorable gift ever and why? (Either from childhood or adulthood, material or otherwise.) Please tell us in the comments below!

Encouraging Social Interaction During Recreation & Recess

The debate regarding recess has been going on for years, with administrator's, parents and play advocates on different sides of the argument. However, I will always vote on the side of recess being a valuable learning experience for all children, especially the social aspects.

In the 1950's it was considered normal to have 3 recess periods throughout the school day. By 1998, 40%  of the schools in the United States had cut recess or considered it, opting to even build schools with no playgrounds. The reasons cited ran from fear of injury and lawsuits to problems with aggressive (rough) play and the idea that children playing is a 'waste of valuable instruction time'. (See references here.)


Being able to participate during recess creates a sense of release, freedom and self-reliance. There are so many valuable opportunities for students to initiate positive interactions with peers during recess & other recreational activities such as scouting, swimming, karate, dance, yoga and sporting activities. The social skills learned in these environments cannot be taught in a clinical environment or with a social story book alone. They need to practice those skills and interactions in real situations. If we take away these opportunities for children to learn, because we are afraid of what might happen, (as we do when we take away recess), we do them a huge disservice. We send the very clear message that we are afraid and don't trust them to handle & manage their own life. Fear is the wrong reason to make a decision & we have now taught them (by action and example) how to be fearful, helpless and dependent. How will a child gain confidence & trust himself if we don't first show confidence & trust in him?

I know what you are thinking: that fighting, bullying & roughhousing takes place on the playground. Kids can be cruel & get injured. Yes, sometimes it does sometimes they are and sometimes they do. All of these reasons for skipping recess are based on our own fears. If you take away recess, these things will still happen. There will always be shy children that are picked on and boisterous children that push buttons. When the 2 worlds collide, this is the time for an adult to step in and give the shy child tools to be more confident, the boisterous child ways to self-calm and guide them all, without labels, (such as 'bully'), drama or judgement, through the process of building more positive interactions. This is how children learn, not by eliminating the possibility of any social interaction at all.

The playground staff should be given intervention tools and be attentive to the children. Without electronic distractions, really observe them. Know when to step in, when to just stay nearby and let them work it out themselves. We don't have to solve every problem for them before it becomes a problem. Let them have the confidence to know that they are learning how to solve problems & conflicts & make better choices with the ways they can interact.  Be there to guide them, but let them know that you have confidence in them, and they will rise up to the higher standard you have set for them. This is true for all children, at any stage of development, including children with social challenges. Even if they cannot verbalize it, they can feel it and they know when we trust them and when we (out of fear) do not. Help them overcome their challenges, by overcoming your own projected fears.

To further illustrate why I think recess is a perfect place to teach social skills, I will leave you with a personal story.

Years ago, I worked in a public school in NJ and I shadowed a very energetic 9 year old girl  (I will call her 'Joy') with severe autism who had very sporadic spontaneous language skills and would not stay with any activity for very long (except My Little Pony computer games).

One day she was especially active, running randomly all around the playground, and avoiding my prompts and attempts to get her to engage in an activity or interact with any of the kids playing. She avoided eye contact and was humming to herself. Some would say that she was being 'non-compliant'. In particular, she kept slowly circling one area of the playground and then suddenly darting away from me & running right through the center of a ball field of 5th grade boys playing kickball.

After about the third time, I stopped her and asked: "Joy, would you like to play kickball?"  She immediately stopped squirming to get away from me, looked right at me and said "Yes Miss Barb."

I approached the boy who appeared to be running the game and I asked him  if they would mind of my student took a turn at kickball. (The kids all knew who she was.) He said 'sure' without any hesitation. I prompted her to ask for a turn, and they boy said to her "Sure Joy."

A few boys looked like they were going to protest, but this young man, looked at them all and said "okay, she's got a turn next." pointing to Joy and they all went along with it.

I walked up to the home plate with Joy and stood behind her. The boy rolled the ball gently to her. She kicked it awkwardly and then smiled and stood and watched it. The boys told her to run and on every one's prompt, she ran, with me at her side. I ran with her to each base and back home as she laughed and smiled and a few of the boys cheered her on.

When we got to home plate, I prompted her to say "Thank You. That was fun!". And she seemed to just lose interest and walked back to another area of the playground. However, the next day, she saw a different group of kids playing with a ball on the playground, and told me she wanted to play with them. I prompted her through the process again and she played for a few minutes before moving on to something else.

Not only did my student have the opportunity to learn how to ask to join a group, and how to be in the group, but the other children learned how to compromise, accept and include people who are different from themselves.

As for the boys that allowed Joy to play kickball, I followed up with their classroom teachers and made a point of recommending them for a "Student of the Week" Award. Their kindness will never be forgotten and I saw first hand how much it did for Joy that day.

No Character Education or Social Skills program can ever compare with this kind of spontaneous learning as what took place at recess that day or on any playground anywhere on any other day.

If you are a classroom assistant, paraprofessional or educator who wants to learn more about facilitating social learning at recess, here are several links to visit:



Recess: Supporting Social Participation of All Students

The Committee for Children

Kids Play Unplugged

Head Start Body Start


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Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com