When my daughter was 5, she lost her grandfather after his long battle with brain cancer. I will never forget her bodily expression when I told her that
"Nonno went to Heaven last night". First, confusion, then she asked, (as if she already knew the answer),
"When is he coming back?". It still breaks my heart to think about that night.
My boss at the time told me that she had her son send 'up' a balloon to his grandmother when she had died. I had Lauren do the same, and it did seem to help a bit. (She still sends up balloons on his birthday.)
In the 3 months following my father in law's death, she also experienced the loss of her great aunt, as well as two of her school teachers. It was overwhelming. We sent balloons to them too, but for several years after that, she had trouble sleeping and expressed fear that I or her dad might die. Her fears were brought up to the surface again this past April with the suicide of my good friend's 19 year old son.
None of us like to think of our own death or the death of a loved one. As much as we might complain about taxes, politics, jobs, pollution, people or just our Life in general, the truth is that most of us
want to be here. We want the chance to express ourselves - or, as the late Steve Jobs put it,
"...put a ding in the universe."
How do we help children understand death and the loss of a loved one? I think the first step is to talk about it before it happens. I wish I had with my daughter, although until my father in law got sick, I didn't think it was something we needed to discuss. She had no concept of death and was so full of life. Until his health started to decline quickly, I didn't think or know how to tell a happy, energetic 5 year old that her grandfather was going to die. I didn't want to scare her. Most importantly, I wanted her to enjoy him, and him to enjoy her, until the end.
Death happens every day and is a part of life. Pets, family members, classmates, those serving our country, and people we never meet, but only hear about, die, and the rest of us have to find ways to cope and continue to live. Most times we never think to discuss it until it happens to someone close. How to talk with your children about death depends on many things, such as age, maturity, personal beliefs, etc. and the decision is a very personal one.
I've included a few links below with some information on talking with your kids (or students) about death.
Please share your own experiences, ideas, books or other relevant links in the comments section of this post.
One Place for Special Needs: (Article Library-Understanding Death )
Discussing death with children (Article)
Helping Children Cope with Death, Loss and Grief (Tips for Parents and Teachers from the National Association of School Psychologists)
Coping with Suicide Loss (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)
Book List: Explaining Death to Children (Dr. Laura Markham)
The Darkness-Suicide Prevention
How Children Understand Death (Scholastic.com - 4 Basic Concepts)
“.. almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” ~Steve Jobs
Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com
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