7 Ways to Show Kids You Love Them

The author & her Daughter
at a 'Relay for Life'  Event

Its been said that children learn what they live. Sometimes we get so caught up in the every day schedules & stresses of life that we forget those little things that show our kids we care.

Kids need to know that they are loved, even if they do not hear "I Love You" every day. When my daughter was younger, she had a hard time understanding that I "work" at my desk at my computer sometimes. It was a bit of a challenge to get her to understand that I was "at work" even though I didn't get in my car and leave the house. I remedied this by writing in "Lauren" time on the big calendar. I stuck to this no matter how tired I was. For many kids, these kinds of  simple actions speak loudest and they respond to interacting & sharing activities with you better than your words. Parents & guardians can be creative & show their kids they love them in many different ways. Remember, you know your children best.

Children personalize everything & what may just be an intense, problem solving frame of mind to you, may appear to be a distant, "you don't love me" mood to them. These seven simple strategies that I would like to share with you today,  will help you reconnect with and reassure your kids that your love is forever & you are always there for them. This week as you go through your daily routines & busy schedules, see how many you can add in.


Positive Discipline/Reinforcement:
Try and understand why a child is exhibiting a behavior, rather than assuming its strictly "non-compliant". Although they rebel and buck against authority, Kids need discipline to feel safe.Use as few words as possible, with an emphasis on the positive words, when correcting your child and non-violent forms of discipline. Keep in mind that its just as important to tell them when they do something correctly as when they make mistakes. Show then how to do better rather than showing them only what they did wrong. Let them understand that its their actions you didn't like-not them. Banish ALL judgments & put-downs from your parenting vocabulary, even if you think its in jest.  Children take these things to heart and remember them, no matter how innocent the intention.


Respond promptly & lovingly:
To your child's questions, requests, physical and emotional needs. When your child is angry, argumentative or in a bad mood, (and even when he's not) give him a hug, cuddle, pat, secret sign or other gesture of affection he favors anytime throughout the day. Respect personal boundaries and try not to embarrass them in front of their friends, as this may make the kids feel upset, rather than cherished. Be ready to listen-stopping what you are doing & looking at the child-and really listen-when he opens up about what's bothering him. Set aside a time of day to do this. (Dinnertime, before bed, etc. )


Set an Example for them to follow:
This is a huge one. Make an extra effort to set a good example at home and in public. Treat others kindly & show your children respect. Don't be afraid to use words like "I'm sorry," "please," and "thank you" on a regular basis and they will follow your lead. My parents were always reluctant to say they were sorry for fear that it was a sign of weakness. Its not. Its a sign of respect, integrity and acknowledgment that you are human. How can we teach our kids to take responsibility for their own actions and learn from their mistakes if we are not willing to do the same? Model the behavior you would like them to exhibit.


Live Healthy:
This is closely related to "Set an Example". Your child's health depends significantly on the Lifestyle you choose to live & the care and guidance you offer. If you take care of yourself, your child is more likely to model that behavior & do the same. Healthy & un-healthy habits are formed in the early years. By taking your child to the doctor when needed, keeping him safe from accidents, teaching him about his own body and how it works, as well as how to be self-reliant in taking care of it, providing a nutritious diet, encouraging movement & exercise throughout childhood, & exposing him to a variety of group activities you help socialize, educate, protect & strengthen his body & mind. By doing these things for yourself, you also do the same for him.


Encourage/Motivate:
One of your most important gifts as a parent is to help your child develop self-reliance which will help build self-esteem. Your child needs your unwavering support & encouragement to discover & develop his strengths. He needs you to believe in him as he learns to believe in himself. Loving him, without conditions or judgment, spending time with him, listening to him, trusting & allowing him to make (guided) choices & re-enforcing his good choices & his accomplishments are all part of this process.


Undivided Attention:
Make plans & make the time to spend some of every day or week with your young child or teen doing something she enjoys. Sometimes we as parents need to let go of our need to control everything, lose the schedules, get out of our own way and just be there with our kids for a bit & have fun with them. Cook with them, read a story, take a dance, karate or yoga class, go to the library, play outside or do any fun activity. Kids love to hear stories about themselves when they were little. Family scrapbooks, pictures and videos are visual reminders of memories which can lead to wonderful bonding talks as a family. As much as I like to unplug from TV and electronics, I also will make time to make some popcorn and sit and watch a movie with my daughter. We are also in the process of building her a website and blog for her new T-shirt Design business. Each night we set aside time for this and I show her the process, answer her questions, listen to her creative ideas & give her my undivided attention.


Just Say it:
I leave my daughter notes on her alarm clock, in her back pack and I text her as she is riding on her bus to school, just to simply say, "I love you". So, find time to just say it! In fact, stop reading and go say it now. If they are at school, write them a note for when they come home. It might be just what they-and what you-need right now.




I would love to add to this list! Tell us how you show your kids you love them, in the comments below.



Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com




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Who Inspires You?

I've been a parent for 28 years, and in that time I have often wondered if I'm being effective. Am I too strict? Too easy? Ambiguous? Am I teaching enough or not enough? Should I have done this or that differently?

Then there have been those wonderful moments where everything melts away and I can see so clearly that they do listen and they are 'getting it'.  In fact, they pick up on those subtle details and give insights and learn lessons that I never saw or even thought to teach them. In those moments, I am humbled because they show me that they are learning well in spite of me, more than because of me.


This evening brought one of those moments where I fully realized how closely children observe.

Today's Post is a guest post from my (only) daughter and youngest child, Lauren who just turned 13. The piece was written for an English assignment but I wanted to share it with you for 2 reasons:

1) To take a break from  the very dry, cerebral post I was writing (and was not to fond of)

2) To illustrate how closely we are watched & how our actions impact a child much more than our words

Who’s inspiring to you?

Who inspires you? Movie stars? Family? Friends? Someone who inspires me is my brother, Michael. He inspires me because he’s kind, motivated, and he’s a really good cook. My brother is also funny and has always been there for me. Even though I don’t get to see him very often because he’s fifteen years older than me. But when he does come around he’s really awesome to be with.

The first reason my brother inspires me, is because he’s kind and he’s always been there for me. Like  for example When my grandfather died he knew i was upset about it and helped me through it. He also gets really good presents when it comes to Christmas and birthdays he has also taken me many places. Like the Aquarium,Philadelphia and the Zoo.

The second reason my brother inspires me is because he’s a really good cook. He has made so many excellent birthday dinners for me. He has also taught me a lot on how to cook the dinners he makes, so maybe I can make them for our mom or something like that. He also gets really involved in his work. Like if you try to go into the kitchen while he’s cooking he’ll tell you to help or get out it’s actually pretty funny when he does that because he doesn’t do it to be mean he usually does it just to be funny.   

   

The third and final reason my brother inspires me is because he’s very motivated. He got a good education at Rowan university. He also never gives up on anyone or anything even if something is going really bad he sticks with it to see what he can do to make it better. Like for example his girlfriend is in the hospital right now and he’s there every single day with her which shows how much he cares and how he never has and never will give up. He also as i said before he is always there for me and i can’t say that enough my brother is the sweetest nicest person you will ever meet.

In conclusion, my brother is the best big brother in the world he is kind caring and goes out of his way to do things for me so i chose him to to write about someone who was inspiring because he goes all out for me.

                                                                                                By: Lauren B

Photo: B. Gini
Lauren and her two brothers

Who is inspiring me? 

Right now, my kids. I want to be just like them when I grow up.

Who is inspiring you today?

Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com

Respect Every Child, Every Day

This week, my daughter's school is having some standardized testing. I have always told my kids to not be worried about these tests any more than they would a regular spelling or science test. After almost 30 years of parenting, my response to my daughter is even more laid back than it was to my sons when they were her age. I have always encouraged them to simply do their best.

 I understand that most of these tests are designed to measure the school's (translation: 'the teacher's') effectiveness and have nothing to do with or any child's future success in life. My personal sense is that they cause unnecessary stress and burden on students and staff and take away from what the teacher is trying to do in the classroom.

Each day last week my daughter came home with the verbal  list of "tips" staff were giving the kids. They even had an assembly to "go over a few things: "Make sure you eat breakfast; be sure you get enough sleep; bring a bag of peppermints; bring a bottle of water...etc."

Last year, the school administration went so far as to have guidance go into classrooms and teach them *Brain Gym  movements & send home a note that parents were expected to sign with a list of "rules" and "suggestions", among them being "tell your child he/she is awesome..." so that our child can "do well" on this test.

Incidentally, the peppermints are allowed to be eaten during testing as an application of aromatherapy-mint being an herb that is used for its anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and concentration improving properties. All the other days of school the kids are not permitted water, gum or candy in class.

I support educators, I am an advocate for a proper education for all children and adults, and am all for encouraging my kids (and every child) to do their best in every situation, but I have to draw the line when we are told by a school administrator that she should take a shower in the morning so she feels "awake" and "fresh".

Stop already!

Maybe I have missed something, but this is a blatant hypocrisy, disguised as "caring".  It  translates to "disrespect"- for both me and my child. I ask myself if I am the only parent who is irritated by this. Why the sudden interest in children's hydration, amount of sleep, and showering habits the week before standardized testing time? Why do administrators suddenly care whether or not I encourage my child and tell her how loved she is? Why are they so afraid of what those tests scores will reflect?

Part of me takes offense to the invasion into my parent/child relationship and parenting 'technique', and to the manner in which this whole "we want you to do well" routine is only applied when its important to the school. The other part of me understands that some kids don't get the love, attention and care that mine and many others do. Do they really think sending a note home with a "contract" will change that by helping those parents love or encourage their kids any more? Will that suddenly motivate them to be a more involved and attentive parent? Will it really make any difference in that child's life?

This is not the way to help kids succeed. But we know standardized testing is not and was never about helping kids succeed.

Why are we not expected to do that list of things every day for every child? The loved, the unloved and all of those in between?

Kids know when they are being played and they know when they are being used by adults. They can smell insincerity a mile away. If you want cooperation from them, show them respect all of the time, not just when you want something from them. Isn't that what we tell them?

Those of us in positions of authority: educators, administrators, therapists, clergy, yoga teachers, coaches, parents and others, need to hold ourselves to the same standard we expect from the children & students we guide. If we all did, and did it with sincerity & respect, we would not have to use standardized tests to see how effective schools are. We would be able to see the effect very clearly in the actions, interactions and success of all children.

A little respect goes a long way for every child-every day. ~B. Gini



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*Brain Gym: (To clarify, Brain Gym is a series of movements, much like the yoga program I use, that are targeted to help both hemispheres of the brain communicate and work together. The flaw in the school's application of it is that it was done for about 15 minutes and only for testing purposes. Dr. Dennison, the Brain Gym founder, specifically discourages the program being used prescriptively. Its designed to be a daily discipline. In order for ANY brain-based movement program to be effective it needs to be fun, simple and practiced consistently as a group!)


 



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Labels, Limits & Lessons

*NOTE: This is quite a long post that I wrote years ago before I had a blog. It was intended for a book I began and then later decided to not prusue. I've edited & updated some, but left it mostly in entirety. I think as teachers, its a relevant situation. I hope you enjoy!


I have been a Children's Yoga Teacher for 11 years. I love what I do because no matter where I go, I learn something new. Most of what I learn is the result of direct interaction with my students. One of my greatest learning experiences was one summer when I was invited to a teen shelter that housed at-risk youth age 12 to 17. I was asked by Kate, a former student, to help her with her Girl Scout service project. My role was to present on two different days, a Dance/World Music class to the girls & a yoga class to the boys. I was touched that she thought of me.

I was experienced at working with women and girls & I had several ideas for that class, but as I contemplated a presentation for the boy’s class I came up blank. I felt strong resistance to this assignment.

After a few days of making excuse, (I was not in their world…they would not relate to or engage in what I was saying/doing…I was not experienced enough with this population, etc.) I convinced myself that I could not do the boy’s class.

I felt a responsibility to Kate, so I suggested (what I thought was) a more suitable activity: karate. I asked my daughter's Sensei if he would be interested in visiting the shelter & he was happy to do it. A weight was lifted from me & I called Kate to tell her. She was very excited & called the karate teacher right away to set it up. I smiled all day, "patting myself on the back" at my ability to bring people together & solve dilemmas.

Later that same day, I received a phone call from Kate. She told me that she felt that the boys needed a more calm way to focus and relax & Yoga would be great in addition to  the karate class. (Suddenly, I was not feeling so smart and skilled.) As I hung up the phone, all my insecurities & fears came up to the surface. Why?

It wasn’t about my qualifications. I am qualified & experienced. When I sat (and sulked) & observed my gut for a bit, I had to be honest. It was more about judgment than anything else. No one likes to be judged, and I had been judged for being different and thinking differently my whole life. I believed that this would turn out the same way and these students would reject what I was teaching and in effect, reject me. I thought I had put this issue to rest, but here it was & I knew I had no choice but to fact it if I was to move beyond it.

I was to do the girl's class on a Tuesday, and the boy’s class on Thursday. (Karate was on Wednesday.) Monday, instead of preparing something for the boy's class that would be special for them, I wallowed in my angst, procrastinated, questioned the Universe, yelled at God (and every other deity I could think of) for "doing this to me". I finally gave up & decided that I would teach the girls knowing I had two more days to work on the other class.

When I arrived at the shelter on Tuesday, what greeted me in the community room was 12 teenage boys patiently waiting on a large room-sized mat. Panic seized me- and I heard those deities laughing. I found out that Kate was not coming & there was a scheduling mix up. They were expecting me to do a boys class. Girls were Thursday. End of story and that was that. I had to figure out (very quickly) how to present this boy's Yoga Class with the15 colorful silk hip scarves, finger cymbals and Belly Dance Music I had brought. I excused myself back to my car “to get something” and nearly cried, partly because I truly wanted to present a useful class but mostly because I felt sorry for myself. The very thing I had resisted had materialized. I had some "spare" music in my car that I hoped would work & at this point it would have to. I composed myself, grabbed the CD and ran back inside.

I introduced myself & I began to talk about yoga. I was spontaneously inspired by a thought (that seemed to come to me as if it was not my own) to talk to them in terms of sports. I did, and I had their attention. They (and I) had playing sports in common. This was my key, and they were allowing me to open a door with it; body language keeping at a distance, but still asking questions & commenting.

We talked about sports, nutrition & exercise. They talked about Sensei Nick's karate & how they loved it. They let me open that door a bit wider when I told them that I knew him (Thank you Sensei!) We talked about what real power and strength was vs. physical force. We discussed stress management, anger control, imagery and being "in your game". They were polite, interested and extremely intelligent.

As I began to relax I saw that it had been me judging them instead of the other way around. In my teacher's mind, I thought I knew what they would understand and what they would respond to and as it turned out, I did not. I judged them instead of listening to them, and imposed limits in my own mind. That in turn placed a limit on myself, stopping me from seeing ways to support them. I felt very humbled at that moment and accepted that it was exactly where I needed to be, for my own learning as for theirs. We talked about judging & labeling ourselves & others and how it confines us. In spite of never having been exposed to yoga before, these young men had an uncanny grasp of the intangible spiritual concepts of yoga, of life & what I was teaching them. I saw a light in each one of them, and they ignited one in me.

We continued the class with Sun Salutations moving to the music I brought from the car. My instinct to bring in this particular CD proved correct. Salio El Sol, (The Sun Came Out) by Don Omar was something they all related to. The energy and the rhythm of the reggaton spoke to them as they moved into each posture. Three of them were embarrassed at first and the others challenged them. When they saw how much focus, strength and balance they needed to do the exercises, they got into it and moved with the music. One young man even put his own ‘flair’ and moved as if the music were moving him.

I told them how yoga can improve concentration, manage anger, improve their performance in sports, in school, in relationships, and in making better Life decisions. Soon, they were all moving and breathing as one as if they had done this their whole life. I could see by their faces, their breath, their movements they got it and they loved it. I saw years melt away and their youthful energy come out. I saw them as boys-someone's brother, someone's child, so lost & scared, and trying to be tough so no one knew the real them. It took an incredible amount of trust for them to let me in & do what I was asking them. I felt overwhelming compassion & understanding-real understanding for each one of them, no matter what they had done to get there.

At the end of the class I showed them Mudra-(hand gestures). The 3 gestures came from Reiki: Cho, Ku, & Rei. They mean: "May my energy be aligned with the Universe; May my energy be aligned with the people around me; May my energy be used for the highest good." I suggested this is an intention to set every morning and when faced with a difficult person or situation. The boys liked this idea prompting me to repeat it several times so they would remember. I told them that their thoughts & actions reach out and touches everyone, then flows back to them & to be aware of what they are projecting at all times. The Cho, Ku, Rei Mudra helps us to remember and activate this and can be done discretely if needed.

One young man smiled and remarked. "Yeah-that's how it’s gonna be now Ms. Barbara, All my energies used for my highest good." Judging by how his intense, radiant smile smoothed away the roughness of his street life, I believed he would do just that.

Someone once told me that you cannot help someone as long as you are judging them. Maybe my being there was for me to understand this, release my judgment, love them as they were & learn from them so I could get out of my own way & actually help them (and others) better. I can only hope that I had as much of an impact on them as they had on me. I send each one of them Love & Gratitude for their trust, and the lessons they taught me that day, about labels and limits, that I will never forget.
Cho, Ku, Rei



©2007, Visionary Publishing
Originally Published May, 2007
Edited and Re-Published January 24, 2012

Celebrate Love

Dear Parents & other Educators,

My grandmother Helen used to say, (as my mother told me) that you cannot hate a quality in another person without also hating that quality in yourself. We tend to see the differences, flaws & imperfections in others so clearly sometimes, and yet are blind to our own flaws.  In contrast, some find & focus on the flaws in themselves to the point where they feel they have no purpose or value in Life, when the truth is, everyone has value & purpose regardless of their abilities or dis-abilities.

This month is the month we celebrate Love. The Buddhists teach us of 5 kinds of Love: love for a family member, love for a spouse, love for someone  who is hurting, love for ourselves and love for those we don't know. The general themes in all of my children's Yoga classes this month revolve around some form of love; kindness, friendship, compassion, empathy, understanding, inclusion, etc.

I emphasize to the students that there is something unique and special to love in each of us even though it may be a challenge to find those positive qualities in some. We all have different abilities and all are important in the whole picture of Life. We can improve most interactions by first, learning to love ourselves as we are-flawed and imperfect- and second by recognizing that others are flawed & imperfect too, and that is exactly what makes us so beautiful.

By focusing instead on our strengths- and the power of friendship, love & compassion & the way we react, respond & navigate through friendships & relationships with others, we can still care for & send compassion to all people, even though we don't understand, accept or agree with the way they look, speak and act towards us or others.

Its important to note that along with compassion for the flaws in others, its more important to teach our children how to embrace and love the flaws in themselves and work on using their gifts and talents. This is learned best by following our example. If you show love, patience and compasion towards yourself, & your child, your child will learn to do this too.

Our perceived flaws are just that-perceptions. They represent personal challenges & a way to learn about & understand the people & the world around us. Practicing compassion for ourselves & others can give us new insight, new skills and a new appreciation for our flaws as well as our talents.

I strongly encourage you to guide your children to identify the unique qualities they possess and how they can use that talent to help themselves & the people around them. A notebook or journal or even a vision board is a great way to help create focus around this idea.

Take 15 minutes each day this month-whether at dinnertime, before school or before bed, to talk about using our kindness & talents well & encouraging others to do the same. No child-or adult- is too young-nor too old-to begin learning this important practice.

Our story, activity & pose themes this month will reflect the qualities of love, compassion & kindness towards ourselves & others.

Our story of the month,  "The Cracked Pot" is an ancient tale from India and holds so many messages for children and adults alike about kindness & compassion.

This beautiful story speaks to all of us-children & adults of all abilities.

We hope you & your child enjoy it as well!



~Barbara