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The Victim.
You know this character who shows up in our lives when we feel that we are at the mercy of outside forces working against us & our choices have been taken away; when we feel helpless, emotionally disconnected, unable to move forward, and completely reliant on the outside world, a partner, job, government agency, family, or particular group of people; when we are vulnerable and overwhelmed; when we have difficulty putting emotions in perspective & regaining a sense of balance after a transition, loss or tragedy; when we live from crisis to crisis, always in the midst of events that we seem to have no control over.
We all have the potential to become the Victim.
While the Victim can alert us that we are about to be mistreated, or about to victimize others,(whether actively or passively) it can also hold us back by telling us that we are (always) being unfairly taken advantage of and it's never our fault and supplying us with excuses and reasons to not take responsibility for our own actions. We may like to play the Victim at times because of the feedback we get in the form of attention, support, sympathy or pity, but eventually others see through us and step away, giving the Victim more need to be supported and pitied. The Victim's Mantra becomes:
"Its not fair", or
"Its not my fault", and
"why is this happening to me..."
This is the weakest demonstration and use of our intelligence, of our energy and of our awareness yet it is becoming more common. So common that we don't realize we are actively teaching this mentality (and the choices & behaviors that go with it), to our kids by:
- Not correcting them when they really need it, instead making excuses for them;
- Rewarding and praising them for the littlest effort rather than for achievement, reaching a goal or doing something well and the right way;
- Taking away their sense of spontaneity, their ability to make good choices and solve problems by imposing so many rules under the guise of 'safety' that they are no longer following any of them;
- Giving in to every whim when we should encourage them to try harder and work towards what tangibles (and intangibles) they want;
- Practically criminalizing competition of any kind, certain types of joking around, certain labels and words, thereby encouraging an attitude of entitlement.
We demand acceptance-for our own lifestyle, diagnosis, thoughts, ideas, beliefs and shortcomings, yet we are not willing to accept another viewpoint that does not agree with our own. We demand inclusion, yet we exclude others based on whether or not their own beliefs and philosophies agree with and support the ones we hold. This is clearly a demonstration of the Victim mentality and it only serves to give power to the Oppressor (the proverbial "bully").
What we don't realize is that in doing this we have actively weakened ourselves. We have empowered the Oppressor by willingly becoming their Victim & over emphasizing our fear and indignance at their intimidating behavior. At the same time we place blame on them-instead of being more proactive and working on solutions for real self-empowerment that comes from honest self-evaluation, clear communication (free from manipulative emotional language), self-acceptance, confidence, adaptability and resiliency.
We have failed to understand why there are Victims, Oppressors, and why social aggression happens in the first place. We call it "bullying" but this is only a symptom of a deeper problem. In fact, I think that word is inaccurate. Its so over-used, so outdated, so weak and dis-empowering and I think we should stop using it altogether. Much of the anti-bullying literature & programming only brings attention to a surface problem we are already aware of, by quoting statistics throwing that "B" word around because its a hot topic right now, but they do nothing to actively address the root problem. (I
do support and help promote the programs that are giving both the Victim and the Oppressor real tools for building personal power.)
What we fail to see that Victim and Oppressor are really 2 sides of the same coin. While one tries to balance their power by (passively) remaining weak and seeking help from others, the other takes power from others (aggressively) who allow them to and uses it to pretend to be strong. Both of these behaviors feel weak and entitled to take something from another and both are dysfunctional. The parties engaging in either behavior need to recognize what they are doing and break the pattern. Neither blaming Oppressors nor remaining a Victim will ever stop this cycle.
When we feel helpless and frozen in a state of fear, that is when these dysfunctional personalities and characters invade and take over our thoughts, emotions and actions. Its before this happens that we need to take action to ensure that no imbalance of power occurs between anyone. Our goal is to learn how to recognize these inappropriate attitudes in ourselves and others, and respond accordingly. Children are especially vulnerable to this. We need to get the message to them that we are not meant to be victimized in life, but to learn how to overcome these challenges and neutralize (and eventually outrun) our fears. To do this we need to invoke a
Champion mentality instead.
I read a recent article about a well known athlete who was relentlessly teased and tormented during his childhood: about his ears, his long arms, about his lisp and his learning challenges. He said that as painful as all of that was, he was encouraged to channel all of his energy into his sport. He was not encouraged to continue to fall victim to his perceived disabilities and of the way others treated him. He didn't allow his challenges to become his excuse and neither did his family. They knew that his diagnosis (ADHD), his body type, and his inability to focus or sit still in school were all things that could not be immediately changed, so instead, they helped him focus on what he could do and loved to do. They focused on his skills and on solutions, not on the problem.
His mother used the label they gave him (ADHD) not as an excuse but as a starting point to work with his teachers to make sure they devised effective ways to teach him. She got him a tutor when homework became overwhelming and she had him take Ritalin for a short time for his hyperactivity. Although there was some success with medication, she took him off the when he requested: a huge show of respect and another step towards self-empowerment for him.
These proactive steps and supports helped him develop the sense of responsibility, self-esteem, confidence and resiliency he needed to find his source of power in his own unique skills and abilities, overcome his challenges, and ultimately become a Champion.
In fact, this athlete just became the most decorated Champion in history:
Michael Phelps.
I am not suggesting that Michael's story condones victimization, oppression or abuse of any kind. However it does illustrate that there are strategies parents (and educators) can use to help empower & nurture a child's inner Champion mentality when they are feeling very much the Victim:
- Don't over react to a situation or project your own feelings and fears. Listen as objectively as possible and acknowledge a child's feelings without dwelling in or adding more to them. Emotions are temporary and sometimes kids just need to vent. Resist the temptation to just solve the problem yourself. Listen more than you talk to determine how much help the child needs and let him know that together you will find a solution.
- Encourage your child to ground themselves by being physically active, engaging in meaningful, creative activities & exploring what they enjoy: sports, music, theater, yoga, karate, computer games, or art. Assist in finding and getting together with peers who are interested in the same things. Provide instruction & support to bring them up to a level that helps them feel competent and will be valued by themselves & their peers.
- Help your child regain their sense of choice by re-framing negative situations into objectives or goals to meet and help them see their options and choices in each situation. Let them know that they are not at the mercy of others but in fact always have the power of choice.
- Discuss the qualities your child wants in friends and how to respond if friends do not treat them with respect. Conversely, teach them how to show good friend qualities to others.Together, talk about & work on developing character traits and social skills that will be noticed and appreciated by others.
- Talk with your child about where it is safe and unsafe to be, ( in school and out), where they will be less likely to be mistreated or victimized. Give examples of how to respond, (effectively yet non-violently), if someone does or says something that is hurtful or abusive. Let them know that walking away from conflict is always an option.
- Work with your child’s coaches and teachers to ensure that your child is physically and emotionally safe. Let them know how you would like them to respond if they witness hurtful behavior by other children and also, let them know how you would like them to respond if your own child acts in a hurtful manner.
- Talk with your child about when to go to you or another trusted adult if the oppressive behavior continues. Explain the difference between tattling and telling and that it is not tattling if they are getting help for a situation they tried to resolve or found to be dangerous.
Child Victims grow into adult Victims unless they are given the proper tools. Generally, children who are engaged in activities that are meaningful to them & who have an active support network of friends, family and others around them will not be such an attractive target to an Oppressor. The Oppressor will not have the desire to steal power from others if they have been encouraged to develop personal power of their own through meaningful relationships, skills and activities. (And if no one allows them to behave in a socially aggressive manner.)
With honest insight, consistency and the right kind of attention & guidance, all children can rise above the Victim/Oppressor roles and become true Champions.
What are some strategies that you use to nurture a child's (or your own) inner Champion?
Contact:
barbara@bodylogique.com
.
