I attended my teen age niece's recital this weekend. The one thing that struck me the most in each of the 50 or so numbers was that none of the kids looked like they had any energy or like they were having any fun. Their performances and the overall tone of the whole recital reflected that.
My niece knew it was not the best they could have done and was very distressed over it. The dance steps were there, and they were strung together but there was no energy nor passion behind them.
After listening to my niece and and some of her friends, it was determined that the dance teachers while generous with positive reinforcement & praise, rarely corrected their technique, posture or stage presence. They were always told that they looked "awesome". The girls knew after their performance that something lacked and one them said
" I wish someone had told us that we looked sloppy. None of it felt right. I'm so embarrassed". What should have been a happy and fun event turned into an upsetting yet eye opening experience for them all.
Alfie Kohn, author of the book
“Punished by Rewards,” has said that most praise, especially for effort alone, encourages children to become “praise junkies” and more dependent on outside feedback rather than helping to cultivate their own awareness, sense of inner judgment and self-motivation. Too much praise deters them from learning more and from wanting to do their very best.
Have we become so obsessed with trying to make kids 'feel good' about themselves and over-praising them that we’ve lost sight of how to challenge & help them to build the actual skills they need to achieve, excel and ultimately enjoy activities more?
In the yoga community and especially with special needs children, there is a tendency towards what I call the obligatory "Good Job" syndrome, and a push towards "non-competitive" games and activities. I have often questioned whether this is really helping kids in the long run? I always like to bring an element of calculated challenge and fun competition into my classes so that the kids stay motivated and engaged. Otherwise, I am just making them sit on a piece of recycled rubber, crawl & stand around like animals or trees and imposing abstract ideas on them that mean nothing in their world outside of the studio.
I am seeing in my own experience, that although our intentions are good, and we want to include everyone, and not cause a child to become upset, disappointed & de-motivated, we might want to re-think our approach. We have gone to an extreme with the 'self-esteem movement' and we need to remember that telling our kids they are great does not make it true. In their hearts, our kids know when they have done their best and when they have not. We do them a huge dis-service by lying to them and training them to
expect praise. Instead of building confidence & self-esteem, we are making them feel more insecure about themselves, their own abilities and how others see them.
The truth is, challenges, competitions, winning, losing, doing our best or being average does matter in the real world, and we all have to live in the real world at some point. When we achieve a goal or 'win' a competition, we know we have done our best. We feel it and have a sense of achievement and confidence. When we fail or lose, we know we need to examine where we could improve and do better next time. The challenge lies in our own self-improvement. We need to teach kids that. We need to stop confusing "challenge" and "competition" with 'feeling insecure over losing' & 'fearing that others are somehow better', because they are not the same thing. We need to stop giving out vague and insincere praise.
By challenging and working the muscles of our bodies, they will grow and become stronger. A stronger muscle helps us do more. Our minds and our characters work in the same way: They both need a variety of challenges through experience in order to grow.
As was demonstrated by the recital I attended, it is vital for parents and teachers to be clear with children about what an exceptional, first rate performance looks like so they know what to aim for:
Unhelpful:
It looked fantastic & I think y
ou did a great job! You were robbed! Those judges must be blind!
Helpful:
Try bringing your arms up higher. That's better. Stand tall and pull your arms in towards your center when you spin to help your balance. How does that feel now. That looks better. OK,do it again.
Helping kids & teenagers, especially those with special needs, to learn from their mistakes and failures is far more constructive and a more practical life skill than coming up with excuses for falling short. Adaptations are fine and sometimes very necessary, but over-accommodation and over-praise tells a child that we don't trust them to improve and that they are not important enough to know the truth. It reveals to them our own doubts and fears about their abilities and in effect tells them to not bother trying. We think we are keeping them 'safe' but ultimately, we are placing them in a more vulnerable position.
I have found that kids respect the truth and if you give them a clear and reasonably challenging target, and do it in the spirit of fun, they will move towards it. This is true for physical skills, math, reading, writing, dance, sports or any other activity that they are engaging in and its true for most children regardless of their abilities.
A perfect example of this is the
Special Olympics programs. If you have never witnessed an event, I urge you to find a local one and just watch. Its inspiring and humbling. Recently, athlete leaders have suggested that the organization may have actually set expectations for their athletes too low and needs to raise them. While Special Olympics continues to offer opportunities to athletes of all ability levels, they are additionally embracing a new model that emphasizes health & sports based activities, training & education that challenges & encourages each athlete to achieve his or her own personal best.
Self esteem cannot be given through empty, false praise and cannot be imposed on kids externally in any way. It cannot be handed to them in a gift bag with a pretty bow or through flattering words. It can only be earned by the individual through overcoming challenges, learning from mistakes and expecting them to do their very best.
How do you keep yourself, your students, dancers or athletes motivated & challenged to do their best? Do you ever tell them they did "great" when they really didn't? Tell us in the comments below.
Related:
Spontaneous Engagement Through Play
A recent article in the Washington Post discusses how many schools are also getting away from the practice of over-praising. Read article here:
Self-Esteem Boosting is Losing Favor to Rigor, Finely Tuned Praise
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