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| Photo: keepschoolsafe.org |
A few weeks ago my 13 year old daughter came to me upset that a on-again-off-again friend (we will call her "Susan" ) had given a boy she knew named "Timmy" her cell phone number. (My daughter had never heard of this boy), and was upset and scared because he knew her name and where she lived. "Susan" said she had met him online, and he wanted to talk with & meet my daughter.
I took her phone and looked at the texts. "Timmy" had texted her dozens of times, ignoring all of her requests to stop.
Something seemed off about the language and vocabulary. Even the name, "Timmy" didn't seem right. (How many 13 year old boys call themselves "Timmy"?)
He told her she was beautiful and he really liked her-to which she replied "You don't even know me-and I sure as h*ll don't want to know you-you f*cking a**hole!!" (She is definitely her mother's daughter...)
He asked her several times to send him a picture of her face...(to which she refused) and I got even more irritated. I was a little upset that my daughter did not come to me sooner, and instead engaged in conversation, although cautious in an attempt to get information out of "Timmy" to see what she could find out about him to report him. (Her father is a retired police officer, so I didn't go too hard on her!)
He texted again as I was looking at the conversation & I dialed the number back. No answer. Just an automated "The person you are trying to reach is not taking calls..." recording. It would not let me leave a message. I texted in capital letters: THIS IS LAUREN'S MOM. I OWN THIS PHONE. REMOVE THIS NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE BOOK IMMEDIATELY.
The texting stopped. But I had already looked the number up online and it came back to a land line in the south. The number was registered to a 23 year old man. I immediately looked him up on the sex offender's registry and came up with nothing.
I called Susan's mother, and left a message as to what I wanted to talk with her about & that it was urgent. (She returned my call 2 days later.) Meanwhile, I called the guidance counselor at school (left message) and the police department who said the whole event sounded very odd, my daughter was right to come to them, and they would check it out.
When I finally spoke with Susan's mother, she claimed that Susan made the whole thing up to "prank" her friends. When I asked about the phone number being registered to a land line in the south, she said that Susan purchased "temporary" phone numbers and used them to "trick" people. (??) Then she tried to tell me that Susan made whole thing up because my daughter and another girl did something mean to her.
Inwardly I had this conversation: "You're kidding. No self-responsibility? This is the way we act when someone does something mean to us? and you allow this?"
I was not buying any of it. Somebody was not being truthful. (This is the same mother that dropped my daughter off 3 hours late last spring from getting ice cream, with not as much as an apology or explanation- dropped her off in the driveway and drove off-so I have already had my radar on.)
"And you are aware, that Susan purchases fake phone numbers, and makes up imaginary boyfriends, and stalks/harasses her friends this way and you allow her to be online anyway? Is purchasing someone else's phone number even legal?", I asked (out loud), not really expecting to get an answer. I told her that my daughter was scared and that I had filled out a police report when she [Susan's mom] did not get back to me right away, so they would be calling her. I'm not sure if she was embarrassed or just didn't care, but her acknowledgement was somewhat apathetic.
Later, I asked my daughter what her and "Kelly" (not her real name) were arguing with Susan about-she looked at me confused. They said they were not arguing, they were concerned for her that she was in danger from meeting guys on the Internet. (Apparently she has often said that she meets guys on the Internet.)
In school the next day, Susan maintained that "Timmy" was real, and asked my daughter, "why did you tell your mom? You got me in trouble! My mom closed my Instagram account..." My daughter pointed out that she got herself in trouble.
A few days later, Susan wrote a letter, (6 pages long) telling my daughter that she made it up and was so sorry. She placed a ring and some feather earrings in the envelope. My daughter said she tried to give them back, but Susan wold not take them. My daughter has kept her distance anyway.
This week Susan is telling the kids that she does drugs.
I don't know if "Timmy" is real, or if Susan is lying to her mother. I don't know if she does drugs or not. But I do know one thing: this girl is crying out for help. At this point, she not permitted at my house, nor is my daughter permitted at hers. (and I didn't have to lay down that law to my daughter-she set that boundary herself.)
I feel concerned about the atmosphere that Susan has grown/is growing up in, however I cannot condone dishonesty, self-destructive behavior and pretending to be something you are not. These are all the opposite of what I have taught my children and my students. They go against everything that our young people should be demonstrating by this age. And if my daughter was demonstrating these characteristics in this manner, and another parent knew about it, I would hope that she would bring it to my attention.
This child needs the right kind of attention and care that neither me nor my daughter, (nor "Timmy"-real or imaginary-) can give her. For me to attempt would place me in a situation way over my head and out of my areas of expertise. For my daughter to continue this shaky interaction would be condoning the lies and/or the risk behaviors. My daughter has recognized and verbalized this to me, which shows that she is thinking clearly for now.
If Susan is picking up that many guys online at 13-there is a huge problem-and if she is going to this extreme length to create an elaborate lie and make her life sound more interesting than she thinks her peers will perceive it-there is STILL a huge problem. Either way, Susan is the one who loses. I wish I could do more, but I'm afraid I cannot.
I urge you as parents and an educators: by all means, give your kids responsibility & a bit of growing room, but do NOT set them lose on the Internet by themselves until you are certain of their maturity level, their level of self-control, and their ability to foster typical social interactions & relationships. Know who their friends are-and know who they are talking to online. Once they have one social account, they just set up a bunch more-with fake names so that if they get caught doing something they shouldn't be-they just use their alternate accounts.
Give them down time-unplugged every day. (My daughter's phone goes in a drawer from the time she comes home until homework, dinner, after dinner cleanup, the next day's lunch is made and showers are done.) Teach them to be true to themselves and their creative genius-and that there is no reason to be in any kind of a jealous or imaginary "competition" with a peer.
Help them get in touch with their intuition-and that if something does not feel right-to listen to that feeling-not a friend or classmate who consistently exercises poor judgement.
We want to hear from you:
What would drive a teen to repeatedly go out of their way to make up an elaborate lie?
Is it merely to make their life seem more interesting or is there a deeper problem?
Do you think there was something else I could or should have done?
IN addition, if you have or know of any other resources for 'tweens or teens-especially girls-please let us know what it is.
Please leave your insights and resources in the comments area below.
Related Links:
New Jersey Senator: New Internet Safety Program Needed
NSTeens: Making Safer Online Choices
Teenangels
Wired Safety
Rae Cole Girls
7 Ways to be an Emotionally Attentive parent, Caregiver or Teacher
Roots of Action
Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com
