Empathy Helps Build Awareness of Self & Others

Photo: Duke.edu

Empathy is greatly  misunderstood quality, especially for children with special needs, so in today's post I will offer some definition, insights and resources for parents & educators.

Empathy has a several definitions which encompasses a variety of nuances: caring for other people and having a desire to help them, to experiencing emotions that match another person's emotions; to knowing what another person is thinking or feeling, to blurring that divider line between one's self and others.

In general, empathy has two major aspects or categories:

• Cognitive Empathy: (Also Known as Theory of Mind) refers to the drive to identify another's mental states.
• Emotional (Affective) Empathy: pertains to being affected by another's emotional state & the desire to respond with an appropriate emotion as well as our general ability to empathize emotionally

In either case, empathy builds on our capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another person and is a quality that is well worth developing in ourselves as well as in our children. By the age of two, children are just beginning to learn empathy but it does not start to really emerge until about age 4. Then, between ages 7-12 children seem to be naturally empathetic with people who are experiencing pain.

Empathic responses are usually not typical in people with autism, and for those with particular personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissistic personality disorder, and schizoid personality disorder, in addition to people with conduct disorder or bipolar disorder, and those experiencing depersonalization. (The subject of empathy on the autism spectrum is complex and research is continuing ion this area of neuroscience..)

One of the ways we can help teach empathy systematically is through the Learning by Teaching (LbT) method. Students have to prepare and present new content to their classmates, and in doing so they have to reflect continuously on the mental processes of the other students in the classroom.

The students are not only expected to convey a certain topic or content, but also to choose their own methods and approaches in teaching classmates that subject.

Through this process, the students develop a feeling for group reactions, networking and other important communication skills..

I recently came across a perfect description & summary of what empathy can do for us:

"In our highly polarized and competitive world, one person’s win is often another’s loss. One team’s, one party’s, one whatever’s excitement is sometimes disappointment for another.But it doesn’t have to be this way. There is a way that everyone can win, without anyone giving up their values. It’s called empathy. The beautiful thing about empathy is that you can feel another person's pain as if its your own and this empathy brings compassion, but you don’t have to save them or solve their problem. You can understand another person’s perspective without giving up your own. You can respect another person’s opinion without agreeing with them."

~Ian Lawton, Soul Seeds

Something I teach my daughter and my students is this: Just as you are capable of feeling another's pain & dissapointment, you can also feel their happiness, joy and success, if you choose to. Empathy is not merely a topic for "Character Ed" class, but a lense through which we can view and interact with the world and the people in it, in classrooms, at home and beyond.

Read Ian Lawton's entire post here:

Unity's Win, Win, Win

Learn more about the Learning by Teaching (LbT) Method here: 

Investigating Learning by Teaching

Learning by Teaching: The Goal is Independence

Qualitative Reasoning techniques to support Learning by Teaching:
The Teachable Agents Project

Learning by Teaching as a Pedagogical Approach

Learn more about teaching Empathy here:

How Children Learn Empathy

How Do You Teach Empathy? Harvard Pilots Game Simulation

Teaching Empathy to Children with Autism

Strategies for developing Empathy

Boston Children's Foundation

Theory of Mind

3 Empathy Building Exercises for Home & Work

Negative Effects of Social Support & Empathy




To contact Barbara or to report a broken link: bodylogique@yahoo.com


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Feelings,Yoga and Learning - Part 1

Image: Jay Directo/AFP

Women are known for talking about their "feelings", but have you ever asked yourself: where do our "feelings" come from? What are they exactly?

We tend to refer to joy, anger, confusion, etc. as  our "feelings", and our kids may come & tell us that someone has hurt their feelings, but this is not accurate. These are emotions & an emotion is simply a reaction, created by either a positive or negative response to someone or something that is happening around us.

We might say we feel cold when we are shoveling snow, but when we touch something with our hand, or sense it with our skin, that is really a sensation. Humans need a variety of sensory stimulation in order to develop higher brain functions. Tactile input is sensed by the skin and emotions can be placed in the interoception category, which refers to what we sense inside of us.

When we are solving a challenge and we say "I feel that we should...."  we are really talking about what we are thinking, so that is more of an opinion. Our opinions are influenced by our knowledge, our own perception of our experiences,our emotions, and the people we surround ourselves with.

Our feelings are more than this. As I see it, feelings are the essence of who we are when we are figuratively (and maybe actually) naked-and take away all of the external sensations, opinions, memories, reactions & emotions.

All emotions are derived from one of two main categories: 'positive' emotions are generated from a position of Love, and 'negative' emotions come from some form of Fear. As humans we have an intrinsic need to
feel our emotions-some of us more deeply than others. These reactions to our emotions are what makes us women-and what makes us human.

We have all had the experience of allowing our emotions (reactions) get the better of us, and some of us to the point of social antagonism, argumentative behavior, aggression, headache, depression, stomach problems (ulcers) or even more serious illness. Emotions are the relay switch- the gate- between sensory input and thinking / decision making.

Why are our emotions so powerful and what connects them so closely to our physical body, our thoughts and our senses?

Image: realpowercoaching.com 

The answer lies in a system that some call our emotional anatomy (or energy anatomy) and in the yoga world, referred to as the *Chakra System, illustrated at right.

*(Quick Sanskrit lesson so you don't have to go out & buy Rosetta Stone: Chakra  simply means "disc". )

Simply put, these discs represent emotional energy centers in the body. They not only contain & regulate emotional reactions to sensory input, or to other people, but also those inner subtle feelings that we cannot really define, but seem to, (at least in part), define us.

Coincidentally (or not) the emotional areas of the body correspond anatomically with where our major organs are located, and associate with a higher concentration of nerve endings.

Our sensory systems and emotional systems are linked & directly effect each other. The human body, our environment, our belongings, our thoughts and the entire world in which we live is perceived by us through sensations, emotions and opinions. These all come from different areas of the body & are carried as different forms of energy, some subtle and some not-so-subtle. They all vibrate at the same time on different frequencies. The energies intersect and interact, at every moment, seeking receivers, sending us signals and waiting for a response. Some call this silent talking, but if you have ever watched its outer effect in action, its not-so-silent.

We are all like simultaneous projectors & antennae, picking up on the mental and emotional activity of our surroundings and of others, and projecting our own energy into our environments. At the same time, others are picking up on our signal projections and sending out their own. The Internet, smart phones, social networking and video chat has increased this process by leaps and bounds and why we sometimes feel fatigued after being on the computer. It is also why it is a very good idea to unplug often.

You will notice that our kids go through different stages of projection & receiving emotions, moment to moment, day to day and as they develop and grow. Parents & teachers will notice that on those days when one child is"off" they all are. That is because children cannot yet filter out all the intersecting stimuli and they react to all of it as it floats by. If we could see this, or hear this in action, it would resemble static.

By understanding how our emotional energy system works and effects us, you can better understand how to respond, react, conserve, utilize & spend it more efficiently, allowing you to feel better physically, think more clearly, exude strength and confidence (even when you are not feeling strong OR confident) and work more effortlessly to design the Life & Health you desire for you and your family.

In addition, if you are an educator or therapist, understanding this process will enable you how to design classroom environments, treatment plans & lesson plans that will eliminate some of the static and where learning can become effortless.


Part 2 of this article (will publish on Monday 1/14) will take us deeper into this process and talk about some of the ways we can help ourselves and our kids get a better grip on emotions and use them to help us find our own super power, make better decisions and become more confident in our own unique abilities.


Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com

The Santa Key

Last week, there was a discussion going on about holiday traditions that prompted me to use one of mine as today's blog post.

My daughter and I do the usual cookie baking and we also contribute to a "Toys for Tots", coat drive or a "Community Giving Tree" project, and every year my daughter does the annual "Santa Run" with the fire department her dad is a member of.

But if I had to pick a favorite of my own, it would have to be our "Santa Key" tradition.

When my sons were little, I got divorced from their dad and we moved to an apartment. The boys were concerned that Santa would not be able to get in for his visit, as we did not have a fireplace nor a chimney for this purpose. The thought of "leaving the door unlocked" was out of the question as the neighborhood was not the best nor the safest.

So I got this idea to search in antique shops for a large old key. I finally found one, (pictured above)  and I attached a beautiful fancy tassel to it (I had to replace the tassel years ago and it now has a large wire ribbon bow.) I found an old velvet jewelry box and placed the key inside for storage.

I mailed it to the kids at our new apartment-(with a North Pole return address)- in the beginning of December, with instructions from the "Big Guy" himself to leave the key for him by the door on Christmas Eve so he could leave them a little something. It immediately calmed their concerns and excited them so much! They did exactly what "Santa" asked and left it by the door for him on Christmas Eve. That was the first year we used it

Every year after that, and when my daughter was old enough to do it, on Christmas eve, we would go through the ritual: put the baby Jesus in the manger, leave the cookies and milk for Santa, sprinkle magic oats on the grass for the Reindeer and leave the "Santa Key" outside by the door so he could let himself in. "Santa" would leave the key next to the empty cookie plate when he was finished and the kids would place it back in the box for the following year.

This worked fine, until my oldest being precocious at 8 years old, figured out that the key did not match the lock-so I added a "Magic Christmas Key" myth - that only Santa could get the key to work and no one else could use it to get into our apartment. Not even me or daddy. (I wanted to get a few more years of holiday magic for him and for his younger brother to enjoy).

We still have the original key and use it as an ornament on our tree now, and I occasionally make the keys and give them as gifts for friends with little guys. The key has become our symbol of growth-of the "unlocking" of unique gifts, and the sharing  with other of all the goodness inside of ourselves- not just at holidays, but all year.

I know that there are some that will argue that these Santa stories are all lies-and we should not lie to kids. I don't agree with that entirely. While I don't think we should overtly lie to or deceive children, I look at the stories-religious and non-religious- the mythology and history of St Nicholas (Santa), and of all the traditions, in all the different cultures of the world, and I see them all as an important part of a child's development- a way to re-enforce their own good qualities & the spirit of the season as well as remembering the reason we celebrate it. I see these stories and traditions as a way to bring life and deeper meaning to the imaginations of children.

I was about 11 when I found out that Santa was a myth. After I did, I was disappointed and I cried. I felt that a part of me wasn't there any more, but mostly, I afraid I wouldn't get any more presents. My father took me aside and asked me to not tell my brother-(he is almost 5 years younger than I am.) He told me that believing is the best time of a child's life, and he wanted my brother to have that magic for a few more years. I then went from dissappointment to being "in on the secret" and it changed my outlook entirely. I liked being "Secret Santa" and that transition helped me to better understand the meaning of Christmas on a deeper level.

I wholeheartedly agree with my father on this point: believing in mythology and fantasy when we are children is a way to keep hope in our hearts and understanding in our minds as we grow. Its a way for us to relate to each other and begin to understand all the symbolism that is all around us. Its also a way for us to remember that we are limited only by our own imaginations, because it is there, that all things are possible.

What are some of your family's favorite traditions? 



Related Posts:


Kindness: A Gift to Pay Forward

La Befana

Nine-tenths Disability, One-tenth Person

Photo: hslawyers.com 

"Unfortunately, too many people see me as nine-tenths disability, one-tenth person." ~Norman Kunc

One of the things I love about what I do is that I can design programs to be entirely adaptable and to include every child, no matter what their skill level, comfort level or perceived disability. I love that I am finally in the position to let the students be themselves and can help design customized activities & programs that focus on the child and how they can participate in spite of their limitations. 

I have been working with parents and professionals more and more to show them how to approach recreation, teaching and therapy with an element of fun: we are not "helping", we are "playing & learning" together. 

Why do I emphasize the fun? Because I have learned that when you approach teaching or therapy as if you are trying to help someone, you inadvertently set up an imbalance of power, with you being the competent "helper" and the other person being the incompetent "help-ee". With children, you already have that imbalance as the adult or authoritarian. Now, this person (or child) is not your equal, they are "less" than or weaker than you, and looking at the bigger picture, from a yoga and a human standpoint, this clearly does not help at all, does not move them towards autonomy, nor does it meet that child where they are: it meets them where you are.

Those of us in the "Helping Professions" tend to think of our strategies & therapy as a way to improve a brain and/or physical function, and therefore the quality of life for our students. But if we stop to really think for a minute, we will understand that here is a difference between "quality of life" and "ease of living".  At the very heart of who we all are, I believe that we all have honorable intentions, however, I have recently been introduced to a man who has made me re-think our traditional, accepted approaches & how we define "quality of Life" and after seeing things from his eyes, I think that maybe we have all gotten ahead of ourselves.

Norman Kunc (pronounced "Koontz") was born with cerebral palsy and attended a self-contained school for students with disabilities from the age of three until 13 when he was then placed in a general education setting. Earning a Bachelor's Degree in Humanities and a Master's Degree in Family Therapy has augmented a lifetime of learning from his experiences of being labeled "disabled". Part of his work at the BroadReach Centre in  is to encourage professionals to rethink what their intent really is when working with children (and adults) with challenges.

He notes that relating other people's-our student's- stories to our own experience is part of developing that depth of thought and reflection needed as a therapist or educator to do what is truly in their best interest. He urges us to think and listen as people-rather than as professionals - and decide whether our intentions match our actions, and what are the possible consequences that will follow. 

Norman remembers from his experience that he felt therapists treated him as nine-tenths disability and one-tenth person:  "...professionals were too busy trying to improve my quality of life by putting me in a special school where I am supposed to learn to function better & they took away the opportunity for me to have friends and subsequently they actually interfered with the quality of my life..."  and he points out that: "...you don't gain the ability to deal with the complexity of people just by acquiring an abundance of strategies. You gain the ability to deal with the complexity of people from the depth of thought. And many people avoid seeking depth of thought because they are too busy acquiring this endless library of disjointed strategies..."  

I have always related to special needs children on the level of communication & being understood. I did not grow up with a disability, however I felt grossly misunderstood by so many, including my own family for a number of different reasons. This is where I make my initial connection with students, and after reading Mr. Kunc's story, I am more convinced than ever that as an educator, I have so much more to learn about the children I work with. I appreciate this insight and am certain that you will as well.

This is a powerful "must read" for every educator, therapist, para-professional, clinician and family member of special needs children or adults, as well as anyone who has contact with people with disabilities:

"The Stairs Don't Go Anywhere"



Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com

Visit Us: www.bodylogique.com 

Related Articles:

67 Things I've Learned from Children with Special Needs


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67 Things I've Learned from Children with Special Needs

Photo: The Rashi School
rashi.org

I've always been drawn to people who are different. Maybe its because I have never felt as though I have quite "fit in" with my classmates, my co-workers and sometimes even my family. I've never really tried hard to 'fit in' though, but rather have tried to understand what makes others tick. I think having those insights has helped me nurture the ability to interact with people who have different abilities, lifestyles, beliefs and various adaptive needs and challenges.

I've been working with children with special needs since I was 14. My first job (outside of babysitting) was in High School with the NJ Commission for the Blind and Visually Impaired. Since that time,  I've worked with children in many different settings. I have observed, asked questions and through a process of trial and error, have learned to adapt everything - from the way I speak to how I teach personal care to how I set up activities & games for peers-for those who need it-for those who are labeled as "different".

The following is a list of the "Pearls of Wisdom" I have gathered throughout the last 34 years of shadowing, teaching and supporting children with special needs. I'd like to share them in the spirit of passing on insight to those new to the field of special education, ABA, OT, PT or Para-education.

These are not in any particular order of importance-nor does it represent a complete list of everything I've learned. I just wrote these down as they came to me. Please feel free to add your own "Pearls" in the comments section below.

• A sense of humor is your most important asset.
• Be ready to throw away the lesson plan & teach from the heart.
• Listen more than you speak.
• When you speak, use as few words as possible.
• Get on the floor and play.
• Its ALL sensory.
• Little things most definitely do count.
• Don't take yourself too seriously.
• If its not working, adapt it.
• Take care of yourself first.
• Not all children can do all things
• All children can do something
• Talking is not the only way to communicate
• There is only "now"-stay in and enjoy the moment.
• Helping a child learn is not the same as making them compliant.
• Take your time. 
• Its OK to have bad days
• Everyday is a new chance to re-commit to your work, your students, your life
• Sometimes, the best thing you can do for as student is to let someone else work with them.
• If something is not working, modify it.
• All children have special needs
• Structure has its place.
• Not everything has to be structured.
• Wherever there is water, there is fun to be had.
• What you think you are teaching and what they learn are two different things.
• There is no box.
• Multitasking is a myth.
• Sometimes you've just got to laugh
• The best way you can help a child is to pay full attention to him
• If something is not working, change it.
• Always carry tissues with you. Someone will need them.
• Sometimes you just need to cry.
• You don't have to have all the answers. You only need to be willing to learn.
• "No" is a reasonable and acceptable answer to give and to receive.
• Ask for help when you need it
• Wear your comfortable shoes to work.
• Don't eat garlic, onions or tuna right before a session with an outspoken 8 year old with sensory needs
• You cannot break down boundaries with force or behavior theories-but with acceptance and gaining trust from your student.
• Be willing to abide by what you expect of your students
• Nothing bad will happen if you wear two different socks. Or shoes.
• "Bad" behavior is a communication. What is the student communicating to you?
• Take one step at a time. Rest between steps.
• There is beauty and innate intelligence inside of everyone.
• Slow progress is still progress.
• Just when you think you have have something figured out-a student shows you to think again.
• Your students are your teachers.
• "Fair" means everyone has what they need, rather than the same as what everyone else has.
• In order to learn, first you have to fail.
• Failing is not the worst thing that can happen.
• The thing that will encourage - or discourage a student the most is her teacher's attitude.
• Its not about numbers, or labels or "the schedule" -  its about connection.
• Its not what you are teaching but the way you 'package' and deliver it that will help the student most
• There is no 'typical'
• No matter how much awareness there is, in some cases, the world will not adjust to the student. We must also teach children how to adjust to the world. 
• Children want to please us. They are not purposefully defiant.
• Children crave foods for a reason.
• Always keep yourself & your students hydrated.
• Teachers, therapists, parents, administrations are all on the SAME side.
• Continuing to do something for a child that they can do for themselves only makes them helpless and dependent.
• Children can sense your moods and will respond in kind-leave your personal problems at home.
• Look at the world through the child's eyes.
• There are many ways to adapt and modify & accommodate a student who needs us to.
• Common sense & intuition can sometimes trump what "experts" say.
• Be spontaneous.
• Be quiet.
• Give and receive love-and hugs- freely. and often.
• There will always be something new for you to learn.
• Eat more animal crackers.

In Case You Missed it: Social/Emotional Learning

Crying doesn't indicate the you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign you are alive ~Unknown

Its been an emotional week for my immediate and extended family with the sudden passing of my youngest niece (age 17) from complications of epilepsy. I have been working with my daughter (age 13) to find ways to celebrate her life, rather than dwelling on the loss we all feel. Paige was an organ donor and Lauren has noted that it is a small comfort to know that my niece is helping other families live and celebrate life, as she transitions to the next world. Its never easy when you lose a family member, but even more difficult when that family member is a child or young adult. 

As my daughter so eloquently put it: "Its as if time stood still, and everyone was moving so slowly."  She is right. Suddenly, politics,current events and personal differences don't matter at all, as we focus on just supporting each other.

There are so many emotions and interpersonal dynamics that arise when a family goes through a major life event such as this. Being who I am, I've been trying to step back a bit and look at it all to see what can be learned from it and how that insight can be applied. Maybe that is my way of working through my own grief, but it seems as if it is my natural reaction after the initial feelings of sadness, tears and emotional release, so I don't fight it.

In the spirit of deeper understanding of how to give positive support and help each other through difficult transitions, this week's links are geared towards social and emotional learning. Please feel free to share them with others.

If you would like to read Paige's story, (as written by a close friend) and help her parents, sisters, cousins, classmates, friends and family celebrate her life, please click here. 

This weekend, my wish for you is that you find and reinforce your own ways of celebrating life with your children, families and friends. In the big picture, its really the only thing that matters.

~Barbara


Why Champion Social and Emotional Learning ? (Edutopia) 

The Impact of Social Emotional Learning (CASEL) Download

Communication: Encouraging Spontaneous Language

Behavior and Social Skills

Grief in the Family: Providing Support at School

Emotional Learning (Psychology Today) 

Helping Your Child With Transitions


Contact: barbara@bodylogioque.com