Parent Resources: Helping Children Cope with Tragedy

Photo: examiner.com 

The very recent events at the Sandy Hook Elementary school, Newtown, CT.; the Clackamas Town Center, Portland, Oregon; the first United Presbyterian Church, Coudersport, Pa.; and the Chenpeng Village Primary School in the Henan province of China, pose such a bitter contrast to the season of Peace & Renewal many of us are celebrating.

I, like many others around the world, am grieving for all these lives cut short, and I am extending my heartfelt Love & Support to the entire community of Newtown, Connecticut, as well as all of the families and communities that have felt the pain of such senseless & seemingly unprovoked acts of violence. 

I'm passing on two resources to help you talk with your child / children about the recent tragedies: 

A National Tragedy: Helping Children Cope; and 
Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers. 

I hope that you will find these resources helpful as you address questions that your child or students may ask.

These were provided to me by local schools in my area. Feel free to share them with others as you see necessary. 

To read about the 20 children and 6 adult victims of the Sandy Hook School, and who they were click here.

* This handout from the National Association of School Psychologists may be used by other organizations without receiving specific permission as long as it is reprinted or posted to websites verbatim, credits NASP, and includes links to the NASP website. More in-depth information is available now and additional information on related topics will be posted over the next few days.

A National Tragedy: Helping Children Cope

Tips for Parents and Teachers

Whenever a national tragedy occurs, such as terrorist attacks or natural disasters, children, like many people, may be confused or frightened. Most likely they will look to adults for information and guidance on how to react. Parents and school personnel can help children cope first and foremost by establishing a sense of safety and security. As more information becomes available, adults can continue to help children work through their emotions and perhaps even use the process as a learning experience.

What all Adults Can Do:

1. Model calm and control. Children take their emotional cues from the significant adults in their lives. Avoid appearing anxious or frightened.
2. Reassure children that they are safe and (if true) so are the other important adults in their lives. Depending on the situation, point out factors that help insure their immediate safety and that of their community.
3. Remind them that trustworthy people are in charge. Explain that the government emergency workers, police, firefighters, doctors, and the military are helping people who are hurt and are working to ensure that no further tragedies occur.
4. Let children know that it is okay to feel upset. Explain that all feelings are okay when a tragedy like this occurs. Let children talk about their feelings and help put them into perspective. Even anger is okay, but children may need help and patience from adults to assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately.
5. Observe children’s emotional state. Depending on their age, children may not express their concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can also indicate a child’s level of grief, anxiety or discomfort. Children will express their emotions differently. There is no right or wrong way to feel or express grief.
6. Look for children at greater risk. Children who have had a past traumatic experience or personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or with special needs may be at greater risk for severe reactions than others. Be particularly observant for those who may be at risk of suicide. Seek the help of mental health professional if you are at all concerned.
7. Tell children the truth. Don’t try to pretend the event has not occurred or that it is not serious. Children are smart. They will be more worried if they think you are too afraid to tell them what is happening.
8. Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish or speculate about what has happened and what might happen. Don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy, particularly with young children.
9. Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate. Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that the daily structures of their lives will not change. Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in schools and society. They will share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. They will be more committed to doing something to help the victims and affected community. For all children, encourage them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Be a good listener!
10. Monitor your own stress level. Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talking to friends, family members, religious leaders, and mental health counselors can help. It is okay to let your children know that you are sad, but that you believe things will get better. You will be better able to support your children if you can express your own emotions in a productive manner. Get appropriate sleep, nutrition, and exercise.

What Parents Can Do:

1. Focus on your children over the week following the tragedy. Tell them you love them and everything will be okay. Try to help them understand what has happened, keeping in mind their developmental level.
2. Make time to talk with your children. Remember if you do not talk to your children about this incident someone else will. Take some time and determine what you wish to say.
3. Stay close to your children. Your physical presence will reassure them and give you the opportunity to monitor their reaction. Many children will want actual physical contact. Give plenty of hugs. Let them sit close to you, and make sure to take extra time at bedtime to cuddle and to reassure them that they are loved and safe.
4. Limit your child’s television viewing of these events. If they must watch, watch with them for a brief time; then turn the set off. Don’t sit mesmerized re-watching the same events over and over again.
5. Maintain a “normal” routine. To the extent possible stick to your family’s normal routine for dinner, homework, chores, bedtime, etc., but don’t be inflexible. Children may have a hard time concentrating on schoolwork or falling asleep at night.
6. Spend extra time reading or playing quiet games with your children before bed. These activities are calming, foster a sense of closeness and security, and reinforce a sense of normalcy. Spend more time tucking them in. Let them sleep with a light on if they ask for it.
7. Safeguard your children’s physical health. Stress can take a physical toll on children as well as adults. Make sure your children get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
8. Consider praying or thinking hopeful thoughts for the victims and their families. It may be a good time to take your children to your place of worship, write a poem, or draw a picture to help your child express their feelings and feel that they are somehow supporting the victims and their families.
9. Find out what resources your school has in place to help children cope. Most schools are likely to be open and often are a good place for children to regain a sense of normalcy. Being with their friends and teachers can help. Schools should also have a plan for making counseling available to children and adults who need it.

What Schools Can Do:

1. Assure children that they are safe and that schools are well prepared to take care of all children at all times.
2. Maintain structure and stability within the schools. It would be best, however, not to have tests or major projects within the next few days.
3. Have a plan for the first few days back at school. Include school psychologists, counselors, and crisis team members in planning the school’s response.
4. Provide teachers and parents with information about what to say and do for children in school and at home.
5. Have teachers provide information directly to their students, not during the public address announcements.
6. Have school psychologists and counselors available to talk to students and staff who may need or want extra support.
7. Be aware of students who may have recently experienced a personal tragedy or a have personal connection to victims or their families. Even a child who has merely visited the affected area or community may have a strong reaction. Provide these students extra support and leniency if necessary.
8. Know what community resources are available for children who may need extra counseling. School psychologists can be very helpful in directing families to the right community resources.
9. Allow time for age appropriate classroom discussion and activities. Do not expect teachers to provide all of the answers. They should ask questions and guide the discussion, but not dominate it. Other activities can include art and writing projects, play acting, and physical games.
10. Be careful not to stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the tragedy. Children can easily generalize negative statements and develop prejudice. Talk about tolerance and justice versus vengeance. Stop any bullying or teasing of students immediately.
11. Refer children who exhibit extreme anxiety, fear or anger to mental health counselors in the school. Inform their parents.
12. Provide an outlet for students’ desire to help. Consider making get well cards or sending letters to the families and survivors of the tragedy, or writing thank you letters to doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals as well as emergency rescue workers, firefighters and police.
13. Monitor or restrict viewing scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.

For information on helping children and youth with this crisis, 

contact NASP at (301) 657-0270 (phone/skype)

or visit NASP’s website at www.nasponline.org.

* Modified from material posted on the NASP website in September 2001.

© 2002, 

National Association of School Psychologists, 

4340 East West Highway, Suite 402, 

Bethesda, MD 20814

(301) 657-0270 (Phone)

(301) 657-0270 (Skype)

(301) 657-0275 (Fax)

 www.nasponline.org

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In Case You Missed It: Bullying Prevention Resources

Photo:
stopbullying.gov

This week, while riding home on the late bus after a school activity, my daughter was hit in the face (near her eye) with a full bottle of Gatorade that was thrown at her by another student on the bus. The student who threw the bottle, immediately ran off the bus at her stop, with a few other kids. The bus driver was kind enough to re-route and bring her home first so we could look at her eye.

While my daughter's physical injury could be considered minor, she was very angry, upset, and a little intimidated. (This student is older, taller and more muscular than she is, due to natural body frame and athletic training.) I called the transportation department, as well as the school and I was impressed and grateful that both departments acted professionally and immediately to address the incident.

Last night, my daughter told me that she felt relieved after talking with the counselor and vice principal, but all week, she felt anxious and scared, because she thought this student was going to retaliate for her "telling" on [the student] and "getting [the other student] written up." (I explained to my daughter that the other student got written up because of the bottle throwing. Throwing a bottle was a choice; a write- up was the consequence. Getting hit in the eye was not a choice, but a consequence of another's reckless choice.)

For a moment, I was back in the 70's, also a 7th grader, with that feeling in my stomach, too shy and scared to tell my teachers about the mean and intimidating behavior I experienced from peers on the playground, in the hallway, and any other place that there was no adult supervision. I remembered how isolated I felt, feeling like I didn't fit in with any kids my own age.  Thankfully, and with some good family guidance, my daughter is way more confident, socially assertive than I was at that age, and even still, she carried that sick feeling in her stomach until the situation was addressed.

I knew back then, as my daughter knows now, that I had a family who cared and others around me who could help me learn how to overcome my social distresses. My daughter knows that she has resources and people in her life who can help her gain confidence, stay grounded and move forward with her hopes and dreams as well. I know some students (and adults) feel unsupported and lost and ultimately turn to solutions that just create more violence, pain and suffering. I would like to encourage everyone to keep those students and their families in mind and rather than judging them or the situation, let us try and learn something from our observations so we can prevent another child from turning to drugs, guns or suicide. This could happen to any of us, no matter who we are or where we come from.

I want to publicly thank those parents, families, teachers, students, bus drivers, and others who are supporting & educating both the victims and the aggressors respectively to move everyone towards more empowered, cooperative & peaceful interactions.

October is Bullying awareness month and I would like to include some resources for students, parents and educators. Please share the ones that resonate with you, with those you love & work with.

If you have another resource, please post it in the comments below.

Have a great weekend.

~Barbara


History of Bullying Prevention (With other links)

Teach Anti-Bullying Inc

Characteristics of Bullying

Helping Bystanders Speak Out

Bullying Prevalent in Children's Programming

Bullying and Siblings

Close the Gateway to Bullying

Building Social/Emotional Skills in Elementary Students

Five Ways to Stop Bullying and Move into Action

Resources and guides From The Pacer Center

Hard Battles (Suicide Prevention)

Kindness: A Gift you Pay Forward

Contact: Barbara@bodylogique.com



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Helping Children Understand Death

When my daughter was 5, she lost her grandfather after his long battle with brain cancer. I will never forget her bodily expression when I told her that "Nonno went to Heaven last night". First, confusion, then she asked, (as if she already knew the answer),  "When is he coming back?".  It still breaks my heart to think about that night.

My boss at the time told me that she had her son send 'up' a balloon to his grandmother when she had died. I had Lauren do the same, and it did seem to help a bit. (She still sends up balloons on his birthday.)

In the 3 months following my father in law's death, she also experienced the loss of her great aunt, as well as two of her school teachers. It was overwhelming. We sent balloons to them too, but for several years after that, she had trouble sleeping and expressed fear that I or her dad might die. Her fears were brought up to the surface again this past April with the suicide of my good friend's 19 year old son.  

None of us like to think of our own death or the death of a loved one. As much as we might complain about taxes, politics, jobs, pollution, people or just our Life in general, the truth is that most of us want to be here. We want the chance to express ourselves - or, as the late Steve Jobs put it, "...put a ding in the universe."

How do we help children understand death and the loss of a loved one? I think the first step is to talk about it before it happens. I wish I had with my daughter, although until my father in law got sick, I didn't think it was something we needed to discuss. She had no concept of death and was so full of life. Until his health started to decline quickly, I didn't think or know how to tell a happy, energetic 5 year old that her grandfather was going to die. I didn't want to scare her. Most importantly, I wanted her to enjoy him, and him to enjoy her, until the end.

Death happens every day and is a part of life. Pets, family members, classmates, those serving our country, and people we never meet, but only hear about, die, and the rest of us have to find ways to cope and continue to live. Most times we never think to discuss it until it happens to someone close. How to talk with your children about death depends on many things, such as age, maturity, personal beliefs, etc. and the decision is a very personal one.

I've included a few links below with some information on talking with your kids (or students) about death.
Please share your own experiences, ideas, books or other relevant links in the comments section of this post.

One Place for Special Needs: (Article Library-Understanding Death )

Discussing death with children  (Article)

Helping Children Cope with Death, Loss and Grief  (Tips for Parents and Teachers from the National Association of School Psychologists)

Coping with Suicide Loss  (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)

Book List: Explaining Death to Children (Dr. Laura Markham)

The Darkness-Suicide Prevention

How Children Understand Death (Scholastic.com - 4 Basic Concepts)




“.. almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”  ~Steve Jobs




Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com

Our parent site: www.bodylogique.com

Hard Battles

Wildwood Zoo-2008

This is a post I never imagined writing.

How fitting that this morning, the first sound I heard was that of a Mourning Dove. The sun is shining and the sky is clear, and it doesn't seem fair for the heaviness that I am carrying inside of me.

The young man in the photo at the left is the son of a good friend of mine. He took his own life this past weekend at age 19. (He is pictured with his sister on left and my daughter on right.) Right now, there are not enough words, nor enough tears to express the sadness and pain that his family and friends feel.

I have spent many hours and days with my friend & her kids. I helped them find and move into their house in NC. I love them like my own. Lawrence was a bright, energetic inquisitive boy who was growing into an  intelligent, caring young man. There were minor bumps in that road, like we all have had, but it seemed as if he was smoothing over the rough spots.

He practiced yoga & loved the Asian Culture, especially the idea of  Ninjas. He was very artistic, protective of his sister & always looking for ways to help people. He was a lover of science & nature, and spent his last moments alone in the peace & quiet of the woods that he loved so much. The news of his passing has come as a huge shock.

I remember one time, when the family first moved down south, where my friend and I saw this grotesque bug-like creature jumping across the floor.  We backed away, not knowing if it was going to sting or eat us, and Lawrence stepped into action, and instead of killing it, he trapped it and proceeded to study it and learn about it. Then he set it free. To his credit, I now know more about Camel Crickets than the average Pennsylvanian.

There is a saying that goes: "Be kinder than necessary; for everyone is fighting a hard battle". I think we are all fighting our own personal battles. Some of us fight on the outside in obvious ways, and others are fighting on the inside, silently & alone, and don't know that there are allies to stand next to them, and behind them to help them win those battles.

We may never know why Lawrence made this choice, but we do know that many other teens also feel that there is no other option. My only hope is that we can become better allies-better friends to each other & prevent this kind of a tragedy from happening to another bright young soul.

Today, I'm asking that you choose to be kinder than necessary. Especially to yourself. Reach out to others in words and action, to help and be helped. No one has to ever feel or be alone.

Don't just fight those battles, win them.





*If you have a resource link to share for families, Please Post it in the comments below. Include the city and state where located.



S.A.V.E -Suicide Prevention

Kids Health-Teen Suicide

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

The Darkness - Suicide Prevention



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