The Trouble with Affirmations

Some of us remember from the 90's the Saturday Night Live skit "Daily Affirmation" with the fictional character of Licensed Nurturer, Stuart Smalley . The bit was a satire on self-help programs. Stuart, in an effort to help people, would offer misguided advice in the form of affirmations, that were actually Stuart's self-projected personal issues. The affirmations would take on a hint of subtle negativity and leave the guests shaking their heads.

At the beginning and ending of each segment, he would look in the mirror and declare: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me." (See a clip of Stuart with Michael Jordan.)You always got a sense that Stuart really wanted to help. His heart was in the right place but he was too self absorbed and damaged himself to create affirmation effectively and would subsequently go into a "shame spiral".

This is also the trouble with affirmation in real life: if not constructed properly, or if we over-project all of our personal "stuff" into it, it misses the mark entirely.

Recently I read a post where the writer, a yoga teacher, suggested that children practice affirmations while doing personal care activities (bathing, brushing teeth, combing hair, etc.) The affirmation (while brushing teeth) was: "I am kind".

While the affirmation in itself is not a bad one, the act of brushing teeth has nothing to do with the act of demonstrating kindness. It does however relate to a healthy body. A better affirmation for teeth brushing would be: "I take care of my body and my body takes care of me" or "my body is healthy inside and out" or  "my teeth are getting cleaner, healthier and stronger".

When an action (or an image or underlying emotion) does not support the words one is affirming, it creates a disconnect and neutralizes the affirmation. Kids are especially in tune with this. To them it sounds like a lie (and in a sense it is) and can have the very opposite effect than what we intend, or no effect at all.

Let's take this same child who affirms "I am kind" and imagine that they have an awful cranky day because they don't feel good. They are mean to classmates and uncooperative with teachers. (Cranky days happen with adults too.) The actions that child has taken, along with the overall experience of the day is in direct opposition to the affirmation of being kind. This can very easily turn to self-disappointment, guilt, (or Stuart Smalley's dreaded "shame spiral") and all of those things we are trying to discourage in kids.

A better way to phrase this affirmation would be: "I do my best to treat myself & others with kindness/respect."  In addition, the affirmation gains more strength and validity if the child thinks/says this while actually helping someone rather than when brushing his or her teeth.

In order for an affirmation to be effective it must have four main qualities:

1-It must hold value & personal meaning for the one affirming

2-It must leave room for mistakes, improvement or something better to come to be

3-It must be stated positively and in the present tense (remove the words "not", "no", "will" "should" etc.)

4-Relevant action must be taken for the affirmation to become a reality  


In addition, the affirmation and actions taken to bring it into reality need to be related or connected to a personal & intense (positive) emotional feeling.  

Some Examples:  

"I don't hurt/have pain any more" vs. "My body feels healthy and stronger every day"  

"I am good at math"  vs. "I do my best in all my work"  

"People like me" vs. "I like people and am meetng new friends."  

"I am calm/happy"  vs. "I look for activities/people that help me stay calm/happy"  

Affirmations work to override old beliefs that no longer serves us and sometimes this is not as easy as just saying an affirmation. Empowering actions need to be taken as well. Affirmations do not magically work overnight but rather with practice and over time. Many times when people, especially kids, don't see instant results after saying a few affirming, positive statements, they then conclude that affirmations don't work at all, when in reality they can be a powerful tool for goal setting, stress management, self-empowerment, improved performance on the stage or field, creative problem solving and more if used correctly.  

This is why I believe that Imagery is more useful (at first) than affirmation. Whereas an affirmation is a verbal statement, an imagery is an entire scenario that you play like a movie  in your mind's eye. It includes sights, sounds, feelings, solutions and all the details that an affirmation statement cannot.  

On Wednesday's post, I will talk about an easy and fun method that can be used for children to create visual affirmations or set personal goals for themselves.  (See follow up post- Visual Affirmation Tools for Kids  here.)



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Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com    


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